Jim Brown scores for Cleveland.
Groza's kick is good.
That's the end of the first quarter.
Cleveland Browns 10, Minnesota Vikings 7.
The lights are on here. We had rain and sleet this morning...
...but the field was covered with a tarpaulin...
...so the footing down there is fairly good.
The teams have changed sides now, and here comes the kickoff.
The Viking fullback brought down...
Camera Two, cover the downfield pass pattern.
Camera Four, move down to the line of scrimmage.
He only picked up a half-yard, so now it's fourth down and a kicking situation.
Going in for Cleveland, No.27 Walter Roberts...
...and No.44 Luther "Boom Boom" Jackson.
So far this season, Boom Boom has averaged 28.7 yards on his punt returns.
- He leads the league in that department. - Camera Four, move to the 30-yard line.
Hinkle. Are you there, Hinkle?
Yeah... Yeah.
This is Hinkle. 30-yard line. Roger.
How about some coffee out here for us? With a little antifreeze in it?
This way, Joe.
Looks like Boom Boom has not only racked up 55 yards...
...but also one of our cameramen.
Harry. Harry!
I hope it isn't anything serious.
And now let's take a look at the accident again...
...on the CBS exclusive stop-action camera.
Come on.
Let's play ball.
OK, let's go.
Please, Mother. He'll be all right.
Do you suppose maybe it's something... internal?
How would I know? I'm a lawyer, not a doctor.
Children!
Jeffrey. Ginger. Cut that out. This is a hospital.
Let 'em. If they're gonna break a leg, this is the place to do it.
Oh, I... I'm terribly sorry.
All my fault, Sister. I was just trying to... I'm his brother-in-law, Sister.
And this is his mother, Sister, and this is my wife, his sister, Sister.
- We were sort of anxious to find out if... - I understand.
But it'll be a few more minutes.
Thank you, Sister. Shut up, Mother.
Poor Harry.
He was always so brittle. Remember when he fell off the garage?
- Oh, Mother. Not that old story again. - What story?
When they were kids in Toledo, he and Charlotte were playing paratrooper.
- She pushed him off the roof. - I didn't push him, he jumped.
And he had an umbrella. Is it my fault if he forgot to open it?
- Did he hurt himself? - Spent two months in bed.
He had a compressed vertebra.
Compressed vertebra, huh?
- Hey, Dad! Can we have a dime? - What?
Can we have a dime? To put in that box.
It's for unwed mothers.
Unwed mothers, huh?
Well, I'm for that.
Harry?
Harry, baby, how do you feel?
It's me, Mama.
And Charlotte is here, and Willie and Ginger and Jeffrey.
Hi, sports fans.
- How is he, Doc? - He has a mild concussion.
He's under sedation. He'll rest comfortably.
This is Harry Hinkle on Camera Four.
He doesn't know his own mother.
- Any broken bones, internal bleeding? - I don't think so.
How long you been outta medical school?
- Five months. - That long, huh?
- Sir? - OK, Louie. You pick up the band.
I'll pan with the pompom giris.
# La la-la la-la-la-la-la.
Let's go.
- Wait. Where are you taking him? - To the general ward.
Oh, no. I want a private room for him. Nothing is too good for my brother-in-law.
- Check with the admission office. - No red tape, Sister. Take him upstairs.
- How about the penthouse suite? - Now you're talking, Doctor.
- Hello, Uncle Harry. - Hi.
They're not gonna cut him open, are they?
Shut up. Charlotte, take her home. Take everybody home.
Aren't you coming? What about dinner?
The hell with it. I'm not lettin' him out of my sight, not for a minute.
Jeffrey! Ginger! We're on our way.
- We wanna skate some more. - You can play at home.
Yeah, why don't you teach 'em that paratrooper game?
Cleveland Plain Dealer? Give me the city desk.
This is William H Gingrich, attorney-at-law. I represent Harry Hinkle.
The cameraman who was hurt at the game today.
Yes. I'm suing CBS, the Cleveland Browns and the Municipal Stadium for $1 million.
That's right. A million dollars.
Hinkle. H-I-N-K-L-E. St Mark's Hospital.
He's very serious. And so am I.
- Mr Hinkle's room. What's the number? - Sorry. It's not visiting hours.
Well, maybe you could make an exception. I'm the guy...
Oh, you're Mr Jackson, aren't you?
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
What do you think our chances are against Philadelphia?
- Sister Veronica wants 13 points. - You bet around here?
Certainly. I already owe her a Coke from last week.
I can't say anything. It's against regulations. I could be suspended.
I understand. He's in 403, right down the corridor.
Thank you.
Give her 12½ points.
- Yes? - This is Mr Hinkle's room?
- That's right. - How is he?
I called, but they wouldn't give me any information.
I wouldn't know about his condition. He's asleep.
- Oh... I guess I'd better wait outside. - You do that.
How about that guy? He's got some nerve showing up here.
You wouldn't have a razor on you, would you?
Whatever happened to all those beautiful nurses you see on television?
Would you mind leaving us alone for a little while?
I'd be delighted.
Morning, Harry.
- How... how did I get here? - By stretcher and ambulance.
- Oh, my head. What did they give me? - A whole gang of sleeping pills.
- Where's the can? - Forget it. You can't get out of bed.
I can't get... Who says?
Hate to break it to you, but you got a spinal injury.
- What? - Your left leg is numb...
...and you got no feeling in the first three fingers of your right hand.
You're crazy. I can move my hand and my leg.
Sure you can, if you wanna blow a million bucks.
- A million buc...? - That's what we're suing for.
They'll offer us $100,000, we settle for a quarter of a million.
- I gotta go to the can. - Stay where you are. I'll bring it to you.
What are you tryin' to pull? I'm all right.
One thing I hate is a patient who makes his own diagnosis.
- There's nothing wrong with me. - That's what you think.
Not only can't you move your hand and your leg...
...you got ringing in your ears and double vision.
- Double vision? - How many of me do you see?
One. One cheap, chiselling shyster lawyer who of all people had to marry my sister.
I'm handin' you a quarter of a million dollars on a silver platter!
Don't want the money, don't want the silver platter, I just...
Insurance companies have got so much money they've run out of storage space.
What's a quarter of a million to them? They take it out of petty cash.
So don't give me with the scruples.
- What is it? - The nurse said he was awake.
Look, pal, can't you read? We got a sick man here.
How sick is he? Nobody will tell me anything.
- Leave the flowers. I'll give 'em to him. - No, thanks. Maybe I could see him later?
Yeah.
They put you in these just to humiliate you.
Sh!
Where are my clothes? I'm checkin' outta here.
Where do you think you are? In a Hilton Hotel?
You're not registered here. You got a number on your wrist!
- Do I need a reprieve from the governor? - No, a discharge from the doctor.
- Get into bed! - OK!
But only because it's draughty and I got no pants.
Harry, puppy...
How much do you make a week? I mean, after withholding...
...supporting your mother, alimony?
All right, so I owe you $60.
It's not that, Harry. It's not that.
It's just that I don't want my brother-in-law to be a nobody.
I wanna see you in a fastback Mustang, Italian silk suits...
...a decent apartment, a go-go baby all the way.
I won't stand still for one of your phoney whiplash cases!
Whiplash? We're going for all the marbles.
- I wouldn't lift a finger... - That's all you have to do!
Not lift a finger! Think of your mother. Think of your mother, Harry.
Bronchitis every winter. She should be in Florida, baking her chest.
And your sister - 33 years old and never had a fur coat.
And your nephew and niece. They have to sleep in the same room.
- You want them to wind up in analysis? - You want me to wind up in jail?
That's negative thinking! Sure, insurance guys are tough and they're smart.
But I know all their tricks. They'll hit you with hammers, stick pins in you...
- Not me! - Remember which nerves are damaged.
From your ring finger to your thumb, you're numb. Your leg...
- Don't miss any details. - I don't care if 100 doctors examine you.
If you say your back is killing you, that's what we call "pain and suffering".
- The money you get for that is tax-free. - What pain? What suffering?
Six months from now you suddenly start having dizzy spells, muscle spasms...
...sciatica, you can't work any more... Then try to collect!
There's nothing wrong with my back...
...if you'd just get off it!
Breakfast.
I thought you might like some nice stewed prunes. We must keep regular.
- Where's the damn doctor? - Dr Krugman is making his rounds.
He'll be here shortly with your X-rays.
Thank you, Nurse. And bring him some breakfast, too.
Did you hear what she said? X-rays. There goes your whole cockamamie case.
Oh, yeah? What about your little mishap when you were with the paratroopers?
What paratroopers?
You and Charlotte on the garage roof in Toledo?
- That compressed vertebra, remember? - That was like 30 years ago.
With a vertebra, you can't tell an old injury from a new one, so who'll ever know?
I will! Look, I'm not sayin' I'm any better than the next guy.
Maybe I add a few bucks to my expenses, but an out-and-out fake, I'm...
Fake? We got 83,000 eyewitnesses.
Another 30 million watched it on television.
They saw you get hit by a 220Ib monster and take a spill over that tarpaulin...
...which shouldn't have been there in the first place.
We got a clear-cut case of negligence.
If you think that gown is humiliating, taste this coffee.
Where do you think you are? In a Hilton Hotel?
It won't even come to trial. Juries love to soak an insurance company.
- When I wheel you into that courtroom... - Wheel me in?
Yeah, wearin' one of those corsets.
- You wanna bet? - Only until we collect the money.
Then you make a gradual recovery.
I'm gonna make a rapid recovery. I'm gonna start right now!
I told you no calls.
New York? OK, I'll take it.
Hello?
Yes, this is Harry Hinkle's room. Who wants him?
Who?
You don't say... Yeah, hold on a second.
The next voice you hear will be your wife.
- I have no wife. - All right, your ex-wife.
- Tell her to drop dead. - Sorry, Sandy. He can't talk right now.
- Now or any other time. Hang up! - Sh!
Yes, Sandy, it's true. Did you see it, dear? Did you see it on television?
No, it's in the paper this morning.
But all it says is they carried him off unconscious, and you're suing.
- How bad is he? - Well, we don't know yet, dear...
...but it's gonna take more than a Band-Aid, I can tell you that.
Listen, you bitch, if it's the alimony you're worried about...
Come off it, Sandy. Why else would you call me?
You don't have to believe me, Harry.
But isn't it possible that I'm worried about you and wanted to find out how you felt?
Isn't that touching? You didn't care how I felt when you ran off with Gus Gilroy!
Didn't even leave a note, just a stale meat loaf in the refrigerator!
I went nuts trying to find the laundry where you'd taken my shirts!
Please, Harry, this is no time to...
Well, it was your fault, too, because you're too nice a person, and too kind.
You shoulda run after me and belted me a few and dragged me back.
It's lucky I didn't. I woulda strangled you with one of Gus Gilroy's fancy ties!
- Well, what would you... - He's had a concussion.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
It may be a couple of days before we have doctors' reports. Where can I reach you?
Well, don't worry. Don't worry, baby. If your friend answers, I'll hang up.
OK, if it's more convenient, you call here. Goodbye, Sandy.
Of all the miserable broads. I don't know what I ever saw in her in the first place.
Cooks like a pig and smokes in bed.
Used to walk around like a zombie because her nail polish was always wet.
That's unless she was crawling on her knees trying to find her contact lenses.
Still crazy about her, huh?
And stupid? Agh!
Never read a book in her life.
She read one book. The Carpetbaggers.
End of six months she was on page 19.
We had no life together, no dialogue, no laughs, no...
You know, Harry, I've seen guys carry a torch before, but you're the champ.
You could carry it from Greece to Mexico to open the next Olympic Games.
- Me? - You.
Are you outta your skull? You know how many giris I've had since Sandy?
- Phyllis, Sheila, Janet... - Use the other hand. That one's numb.
Don't give me with that torch. As far as I'm concerned...
And the funny thing is she still cares about you.
- The hell she does. - Did you hear her?
Did you hear her? She was practically crying.
And when she hears what shape you're in, mangled and helpless...
...she'll hop the first plane from New York.
You play along with me, Harry, and you'll get your wife back.
- Who wants her? - You do.
Because you still love her.
We open the kid up, and what do we find?
Three buttons, a thumbtack, and 27 cents in change.
Morning, Doctor.
Parents couldn't afford to pay for the operation, so I kept the 27 cents.
I'm Dr Krugman. How are you feeling today?
- Oh, pretty good. - He means considering.
- What do the X-rays show? - I'm kinda curious myself.
I was sitting on the 40-yard line. Oy, gevalt...
- Mm... - You said it, Doctor.
Sister?
Would you mind cranking the bed down?
Yes, indeed.
- Ohh! Ohh! - What's the matter?
- My back! Crank it up! Crank it up! - Does it hurt much?
I should hope so. He's got a compressed vertebra.
- I've got what? - Here, look at this.
There's a compression of the fifth vertebra.
- Are you sure? - I don't wear this because I'm a barber.
- I'm not questioning your competence. - So don't kibitz!
Now just relax. Tell me if this hurts.
- -
- Agh!
- Take it easy, Doc. - I said no kibitzing.
- Could I have that cigarette? - Is it all right if he smokes?
Personally, I gave it up. But if you gotta smoke, blow a little of it my way.
Why are you holding the cigarette like that?
- The other fingers are sort of numb. - Numb? Did you say numb?
- You heard him. - I don't understand. He hurt his back.
- What's that got to do with the fingers? - It's normal in a case like this.
The vertebra must be pressing on the nerve ending.
- Is that a fact? - It's like a watch that's been run over.
Imagine what happens to the springs, the wheels, the balance.
I guess I'm lucky I'm still ticking.
Now tell me when this feels sharp and when this feels dull.
Sharp... Sharp!
Dull... Dull.
Sharp... Dull.
Sharp... Sharp... Dull.
We got this trainer on the team, Doc Murphy.
He's great with this kind of stuff. Us players get clobbered all the time.
- Outside. - He'll just give you a massage and...
- I said out. - You're Boom Boom Jackson.
- Yeah. I brought you these. - Thank you.
Sister, would you please put these in a vase?
Goodbye now. Goodbye. You're very thoughtful. Goodbye.
How'd the game come out?
They kicked a field goal in the last five seconds.
Because I fumbled on the 12-yard line.
That's... tough.
They're charging you for a second breakfast.
- Ever had a previous back injury? - Hm?
- Maybe when you were a child? - Uh, lemme see...
Um... The phone. Why doesn't one of you nurses answer the phone?
- What phone? - It's ringing.
How many nurses do you see?
- Two. - Two?
- Can we afford 'em? - Don't tell me this is normal, Doctor.
- Somebody pull the shade down. - I'll do it.
Open your eyes wide. Look at him.
Hm.
- Nice retina. - Thank you.
What is it, Doc? Any brain damage? Give it to us straight.
No, just a simple concussion. All he needs is a little bed rest.
Thank God. But actually it's the back that bothering me.
- Bothering you? - Those nerves, all connected up.
If it affects his hand, how do we know it doesn't affect another part of his body?
- If you don't mind, I'll have my breakfast. - Don't you move!
My leg! Got no feeling in my left leg!
Put him back in bed.
Careful now.
Look, Doc, I don't wanna kibitz, but I don't like the looks of this.
I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't mean to hurt you, honest I didn't.
I never hurt anybody in my life, not even when they played dirty.
You couldn't help it. It was just one of those things.
You're gonna get well, aren't you, buddy? You gotta. You just gotta, for me.
- If you want a layman's opinion... - I do not.
Nurse? There must be a lower back injury as well. Get ahold of Dr Montgomery.
I'll want more X-rays, an encephalogram, an EMG, and if necessary a spinal tap.
- Yes, Doctor. - Anything I can do?
Pray for him, Sister.
O'Brien, Thompson and Kincaid. Good afternoon.
Sorry, Mr O'Brien is in conference with Mr Thompson and Mr Kincaid.
Oh, just a minute.
Mr O'Brien, it's Consolidated Insurance. Office of the vice president.
All right, put him through.
Yes, Mr Dalrymple.
Of course we know it's a million dollars. Of course we know it isn't chicken feed.
Please, Mr Dalrymple. You have three grown-up lawyers handling this case.
We have the hospital report, and we have the Purkey Agency working on it.
So you just sit back and leave the worrying to us.
Go on, Mr Purkey.
In 1959, Harry Hinkle collected $18 for a raincoat he'd lost in a movie theatre.
The coat was ultimately recovered, and he returned the $18.
Otherwise, there is no record that he has ever filed a claim...
...against any insurance company in the United States.
Guess the young man's clean. Now, let's see. Who's his attorney?
- William Gingrich. - Gingrich? Gingrich...
- You know... Whiplash Willie. - Oh, him again.
Well, I guess our first step is to have Hinkle examined by our own doctors.
- We need the consent of the plaintiff. - Call Gingrich.
He's not only Hinkle's lawyer. He's his brother-in-law.
Get me William Gingrich. His office is somewhere in this building.
Now tell me, Mr Cimoli. Exactly how did you break your hip?
- It's my pelvis. - All right, your pelvis. How did it happen?
I was comin' out this store, and there it was on the sidewalk.
What?
- This. - I see.
- You were coming out of what store? - Nat's Delicatessen, on Euclid Avenue.
- Too bad. - Oh, such pain.
I mean too bad it didn't happen in front of the May Company.
From them you can collect. Couldn't you have dragged yourself another 20 feet?
Hello?
Speaking. O'Brien, Thompson and Kincaid? Yes, what can I do for you?
The Hinkle case? Oh, yes. I'm handling that.
Well, I can't talk right now. I have an office full of people.
Suppose I come up to your place? Right.
Say, how much do you think my pelvis is worth?
By itself, nothing. So it's a good thing you came to me.
Before we're through, we'll have them begging for mercy.
- Who's "them"? - That I haven't figured out yet.
But don't go away. I'll think of an angle.
This guy is so full of angles, he starts to describe a donut, it comes out a pretzel.
Nevertheless, I suggest we try the friendly approach.
OK. But after you shake hands with him, I suggest you count your fingers.
- I'd better get out of here. - Purkey, I want you to keep digging away.
My pleasure. I'd like to dig a nice, deep hole for our friend Gingrich.
- Hi there, Purkey, old boy. Keeping busy? - I'm not complaining.
Attababy! To see O'Brien, Thompson and Kincaid.
- And you are? - Gingrich, Gingrich and Gingrich.
- Hey! - What's the matter?
- Nothin'. - Go right in, Mr Gingrich.
Thanks. And take the rest of the afternoon off.
- Gentlemen. - Ah, Mr Gingrich.
I've heard a lot about you. Sit down, sit down.
Say! You each have an office like this, or do you all bunk together?
- The reason we called you up here... - Lemme guess. You want to settle.
- Settle? Certainly not. - That settles that.
You got no case. It's a simple matter of workmen's compensation.
That tarpaulin should have been rolled back 50 feet...
...and it's gonna cost you $20,000 per foot!
Rubbish! All the legal precedents are on our side.
That so? What about Fishbein versus The Empire State Building?
- What about it? - Volume 16, New York Supplement 2...
...Page 45, 1939.
A window washer, 61st floor. The safety belt broke, and...
Mr Fishbein was taking a normal occupational risk.
The window washer's name was Jones. Fishbein was a pedestrian on 34th Street.
The next thing he knew, he was splattered all over the sidewalk.
The widow sued, was awarded $85,000.
Case appealed, judgment upheld. Volume 259, Appellant Division, page 56.
Also Volume 24, New York Supplement 2, page 168, 1940.
Maybe in New York they throw money around.
All right. Mrs Cunningham versus Baltimore and Ohio Railroad.
US District Court, Eastern District of Ohio, No.8927.
Mrs Cunningham, going to Cincinnati to visit dying uncle, gets trapped in a toilet.
The car is hitched to another train, she winds up in California.
By this time the uncle is dead, she's cut out of the will.
So she sues the railroad for damages. Does this ring a bell?
- Never heard of it. - None of you has?
Because you gentlemen represented the railroad.
- We did? - And lost the case.
Suppose we get back to the Hinkle case.
- You should bone up on negligence. - We've seen the hospital report.
- Discouraging, isn't it? - We don't accept it at face value.
- I wouldn't either. - Look, Gingrich.
We demand the right to have our own doctors examine Hinkle.
- You got it. - Agree to it, or we'll get a court order.
- I agree to it. - Now don't give us any trouble, Gingrich.
We...
- What do you mean, you agree to it? - Permission granted.
- You have no objections? - As a matter of fact, I insist on it.
To you gentlemen it's just a question of money.
But to me, it's a personal tragedy.
My kid brother-in-law, possibly disabled for life.
I'm sure you'll bring him the best doctors, the specialists we could never afford.
Maybe you'll even send him to the Mayo Clinic.
Don't worry. Mr Hinkle will get a thorough going-over.
- Good. Will there be anything else? - I can't think of anything.
Well, I can. To examine my client, you'll need written consent.
- Yes, of course. Get Miss Heffelfinger. - I have the authorisations right here.
Three copies, all signed and notarised.
Thank you, gentlemen. If you'll excuse me...
...I have somebody waiting in my office.
Interesting case. I'm considering suing the United Fruit Company.
There should be a warning on bananas. They can be hazardous to your health.
Carry on, gentlemen.
Therefore I say, if you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens...
... you can never regain their respect and esteem.
It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time.
You can even fool some of the people all of the time.
But you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
Hi, kid.
- What are you watchin'? - An old movie about Abraham Lincoln.
Lincoln? Great president, lousy lawyer.
I picked up some stuff at your apartment. Robe, slippers...
- Your Playboy pyjamas with the bunnies. - How much longer do I have to stay here?
Till they get through with your tests.
I hope I flunk! I'm sick of pretending to doctors, and Mother, and Charlotte.
- You're not gonna flunk. Take my word. - I can't sit up, lie down... I can't sleep.
- You'll get used to that corset. - Why did I let you talk me into this? Why?
Why?
That's why.
- Where did you find it? - Where you stashed it.
Top shelf of your closet, behind the 78 records.
Remember that day? It was July 4th.
Some wise guy put a firecracker under our bed.
Don't look at me. Check my son's alibi.
Why hasn't she called yet? You said she'd call.
- That's what she said. - Maybe she won't call at all.
- Maybe she won't. - What do you mean she won't?
Maybe she's so anxious to see you that she's on a train.
Maybe that door will open and she'll just walk in.
Come in.
Harry...
- Hello, Mother. Hi, Charlotte. - My poor baby.
- What have they done to you? - He's wearing a corset, Mother.
Everybody does. You wear a corset, Charlotte wears a corset.
- I wear a girdle! - Don't fight, please.
I brought you some mushroom soup and some hot biscuits.
- Forget it. I ordered him a Chinese lunch. - A Chinese lunch?
- I spent the whole morning in the kitchen. - I'll have it for dinner.
Mother, you're upsetting everybody.
You shouldn't be here. You should be in Florida.
- Four weeks in the sun and you'll be... - And leave Harry like that? I couldn't!
Don't worry. I'll take care of him. I've got your ticket.
Your plane leaves tomorrow. I'll drive you to the airport in the new Mustang.
- What new Mustang? - Your new Mustang.
- I'm breaking it in for you. - Gee, that's big of ya.
- What's your favourite colour? - Red.
Dammit! I hope you don't mind. I got it in beige to match Charlotte's fur coat.
- What? - It's kit fox. The hat goes with it.
- You like it? - He loves it.
Florida, Mustangs, foxes... How are we gonna pay for all this?
- Our credit is good. - Don't you think we better wait...
...till we see some of that insurance money?
Who waits nowadays? Take the government.
When they shoot a billion dollars' worth of hardware into space...
...it's all on the Diners Club.
That terrible woman! What's she doing here?
If you must know, they're still crazy about each other.
In fact, she may be here any minute.
Harry, you're not going to make the same mistake again?
- After what she did to you... - Mother, why don't you go to Florida?
Four weeks baking your chest...
Don't you insult her.
- I... - Mother!
Come in.
Hi, buddy. How are you feeling?
- Come on in, Boom Boom. - I brought you a present.
The boys on the team chipped in, and we got you this.
- Ohh! - You shouldn't have.
It's electric.
It's got three speeds, left-hand drive, white sidewall tyres, a safety belt...
That's some chariot. Do they make a two-seater?
- You already got a Mustang. - And here's a little idea I had.
You mount it on the chair, and any time you need something...
Oh! Don't!
Believe me, Mrs Hinkle, instead of him needing this chair...
...I wish it was me.
If only they can make him walk again someday!
- I'll be all right, Mother. - Sure he will.
Every week you read in Time magazine how they're transplanting kidneys...
...and making new spines out of fibreglass.
Don't you think the doctors read that stuff too?
Good morning. How's the patient? And the family?
Good morning, Sister.
12½ points indeed.
Here's the timetable for your insurance examinations this afternoon...
...by Professor Winterhalter and his staff.
- Professor? - Oh. He's Swiss, you know.
- Oh! Oh! No! - Two o'clock, electromyogram.
Four o'clock, dynamometer test.
Six o'clock, myelogram.
- We'll be ready, Sister. - We will?
Oh, but tomorrow will be a real rough day for you.
You start at seven in the morning.
Now, now, Mrs Hinkle. We must be brave.
Come on, Mother. I'll take you home and help you pack.
- Bye, Harry. - Come on, Mother. Come on.
Why don't those doctors leave him alone? Why put him through all this misery?
I don't blame them. There's big money involved.
You'd be surprised how many people try to fake a thing like this.
Fake? There'd better be empty beds around here.
If anybody calls my buddy a faker...
I used to have one like this on my bike.
- You want me to attach it now? - No, later. Let him get some rest.
- Thank the boys for the chair. - That's OK, buddy. Use it in good health.
- Now, let's get organised. - I wish you'd tell him to stay away.
- Why? He's a nice guy. - That's what I mean!
Where's that Chinese lunch? And what are you doing?
Trying to get some circulation in my legs. Do you mind?
Circulation's the last thing we want. Why don't we get back in bed?
- What is this with the "we"? - We're in this together, you and I.
- Fifty-fifty. - Fifty-fifty?
Don't you think that's fair? I'm devoting 90% of my time to this case.
And if you louse it up, I get nothing.
Yes?
- Did you order some lunch sent in? - Yeah, yeah. Right here. Bring it in.
What took you so long? A slow boat from China? We got a hungry man.
He talks to me like that all the time.
- I don't want any food. - Look at this. Fried shrimp, egg rolls...
- Chicken chow mein. - I certainly don't want Chinese food.
Tea. You forgot the tea. Where's the tea?
Nurse, get us a pot of tea.
- Please? - Please.
That's more like it.
Maybe I'll just have an egg roll.
Put that down! OK, let's go, Schindler.
What's that?
And don't tell me it's chop suey.
- He's gonna give you a shot. - I'm not takin' any shots from a waiter.
Waiter? This is Doc Schindler from Chicago!
- Howdy. - Insurance guys think they're geniuses.
But when they build a better mousetrap, the mice get smarter too.
- You'll be careful, won't you, Doc? - I'd better be. I'm on parole.
- Parole? - They caught me tampering with a horse.
- A veterinary? - Well, actually, he's a dentist.
- Where d'you want it? - Right arm, left leg. Make 'em numb.
- Oh, numb! - Sure. We want those nerves blocked.
Oh, then I'd better use the Novocaine.
With this stuff, he'll run the mile in 1:34 flat.
I just hope they don't give me a saliva test.
- Step on it. Sam the Hypnotist's coming. - Sam the who?
Posthypnotic suggestion. You're gonna have symptoms you won't believe.
Find a nice freckle so that the puncture won't show.
All righty now, just relax.
- You... Ow! - Attaboy.
What if I get an infection from this?
We sue the hospital for using dirty needles. Now the leg, Doc.
Hurry up, Doc. The nurse is coming!
I'm looking for a freckle.
Ow!
I used my influence in the kitchen.
Uh, he's...
We, uh... We lost a shrimp somewhere.
I don't want that. Would you take it away?
- Are you sure? - You eat it.
Don't you even want the fortune cookie? Come on.
You've got to open your fortune cookie.
- Oh... - What does it say?
"You can fool all of the people some of the time..."
Let me see that.
Those Chinese. What do they know?
- Squeeze. - Push!
- Feel this? - Yes. Mm-hm.
How about this?
E flat?
Well, gentlemen, the evidence seems quite clear.
- Obvious indications of nerve trauma. - Obviously.
- I concur. - And what is your opinion, Professor?
I have not formulated an opinion yet. But I have formulated a hunch.
Oh?
Fake.
Oh.
It's a freckle.
Pull.
Left hand, 80.
Right hand.
- Two. - Two?
- There's a pronounced discrepancy. - Indubitably.
- We seem to have a classic syndrome. - Wouldn't you say so, Professor?
I once saw a similar case in Zürich.
Oh?
Also fake.
Oh.
Fascinating, the way we can now corroborate subjective symptoms.
- A technique developed in Rochester. - I know.
I read all about it in Time magazine.
Well, I think we must agree our findings are not inconsistent...
...with an exacerbation of the median nerve and lumbar plexus.
- I agree. - So do I.
Are we then unanimous in our evaluation, Professor Winterhalter?
Fake!
All these newfangled machines!
Fake! They prove nothing.
In the old days, we used to do these things better.
A man says he is paralysed, we simply throw him in the snake pit.
If he climbs out, then we know he is lying.
- And if he doesn't climb out? - Then we have lost a patient.
But we have found an honest man.
Wait a minute. You're not throwin' me in any pit!
And you bring one snake in here, just one little snake...
Willie!
"Therefore, to answer the most vital question...
...is the patient indeed disabled or is he merely simulating?"
"After an analysis in depth of all the diagnostic data...
...we have come to the definite conclusion...
...that the evidence is definitely inconclusive."
"Enclosed is a bill for our services and a list of our expenses."
Double talk! $3700 worth of double talk!
You know, this case has been getting a lot of publicity.
We could save the insurance company money if we settle.
Settle? A phoney claim? Never!
It's not just their money that's at stake, it's our integrity.
If we let shysters like Gingrich ride roughshod over the laws of this land...
All right. Get Gingrich on the phone.
- You wear a belt, or suspenders? - Suspenders?
They went out with Clarence Darrow. Great lawyer, lousy dresser.
Hello, Gingrich here.
Oh, hello, Mr O'Brien. That's all right. I just have my tailor here.
I'm too busy to get away from the office.
We know you're a busy man. We're pretty busy too.
So why bother with something as trifling as this Hinkle case?
It may drag through the courts for months. What I mean is...
...we wouldn't be averse to discussing a settlement.
I'd like to have a matching tie and handkerchief.
Nothing flashy, maybe something like this.
Sorry. You were saying?
In return for a release from all future claims...
...we're willing to compensate your client with a lump sum. Say $2,000.
- Fair enough? - It may be fair, but it's not enough.
I had a slightly different figure in mind. Say 500,000?
500,000? You're being grotesque.
Let me tell you something, as one member of the Bar to another...
...if you are a member of the Bar...
Look, I don't wanna be unreasonable.
You say 2,000. I say 500,000.
Tell you what, let's split it down the middle.
All right! If he wants a knockdown fight, we'll give it to him. And no compromise!
- I'm with you. - Now wait a minute.
- We can't go in front of a jury with this! - We're not in front of a jury yet!
Purkey, you put Hinkle under surveillance.
- I was about to suggest that. - He can't keep up this act.
- He's bound to crack. - He's getting out of hospital tomorrow.
- Standard operation? - What's that?
Microphone, tape recorder, 8mm camera, daytime coverage...
And at nighttime he can go out dancing? We have to do better than that.
In that case, may I recommend our Gemini Plan?
- What's Gemini? - Two operatives, 24-hour coverage...
...a microphone in every room, 16mm camera, telescopic lens...
...and Technicolor.
You want something?
- Yeah. I want you to cut out that singing. - Sorry.
Have we got everything? Oh, yes. Slippers.
- Shouldn't you be at the stadium? - So I'm AWOL.
But I put you in here. The least I can do is help you move out.
Look, Boom Boom, I don't want you gettin' into trouble on account of me.
So they fine me another 100 bucks. Big deal!
- What do you mean, another 100? - I walked out on the coaching session.
I just couldn't take it. I went and had a couple of beers.
Couldn't take what?
They were running the game film, and when it came to our... accident...
...they had it in slow motion.
- You want these chopsticks? - To hell with them.
I don't mean to be personal, but didn't you say your wife was coming to see you?
She's dead... as far as I'm concerned, so don't pack that picture.
- What do you want me to do with it? - Toss it out the window. Who cares?
Don't you even want to save the frame?
- We're all checked out. Ready to go, kid? - Not before I talk to my lawyer.
- What are you driving? - A Caddy. Why?
I don't think we can get the wheelchair in the Mustang.
- I'll bring it round to the front entrance. - Good. Thanks.
- Charlotte fixed Mother's room for you. - That's nice.
You'll be better off staying with us, helpless as you are.
- Somebody may walk through that door! - You bet! And it's gonna be me.
I'm walkin' out on my own two feet and without this damn corset!
Are you crazy? We've got them over a barrel. They're trying to settle.
See the way he looks at me? I'm lettin' him off the hook.
- Harry, they'll get you for fraud. - Let 'em!
How can you be so selfish? What about the money I've spent?
Oh, I'm sure you'll think of somethin'.
I did, but you're fighting it! Are you afraid of a little prosperity?
You're hopeless, Harry. A loser. Always have been, always will be.
A guy who jumps off roofs with a closed umbrella!
Yeah? Hold on. A born loser! You wanna know why you lost your wife?
You got no character! No guts! I'm surprised it didn't show in the X-rays.
You left out the most important thing. No brains!
Buyin' that bull about how I'm gonna get Sandy back.
Well, I don't want any part of her.
Cold-blooded little tramp, shacked up with that guy...
Not so loud. Do you want her to hear?
It's Sandy. Shall I hang up?
Get back in that chair.
Yes, Sandy.
Yes, he's coming along all right.
Well, he has his bad spells once in a while...
...but the doctors think he'll walk again.
Poor bastard. I just hope he winds up with a little money.
But with you handling the case, I know he will.
Here he is.
Hello, Sandy... Well, yes, it's me. Why are you so surprised?
Well, I only called Willie to find out how you were.
I didn't really think you'd want to talk to me ever again...
...the way you sounded the last time. - It was right after the accident...
...I was full of sedatives, I didn't know what I was saying.
I'm being discharged from the hospital today.
I guess there's nothing more they can do for me here.
Where are you going to go?
Sure I care.
I figure I'll just go back to the apartment. You remember our old apartment.
Of course I do. Do you still have that ugly brown velveteen couch?
And the sets of mother-of-pearl demitasse spoons we got for a wedding present?
And that cat. What was her name? Tinker Bell?
Yeah, everything is just the same. Except the cat.
She ran away too. There must be something the matter with me.
Don't say that. Maybe there's something the matter with Tinker Bell.
Harry, I was wondering, who's gonna look after you?
Well, Mother's in Florida.
Maybe Charlotte'll drop by, bring me some mushroom soup.
I could get myself a babysitter once in a while.
Harry, do you want me to come and sit with you?
Just say yes or no.
Well, naturally the answer's yes.
It's always nice to see an old roommate.
But if it's in any way awkward... I mean, I don't know your... situation.
Well, let me handle that. What if I can get away for a few days?
Hey, Sandy. There's no towels!
Coming.
All right, then. I'll see you Monday. And take care of yourself, do you hear?
Loud and clear.
- Guess what. - Tinker Bell is coming back?
Mm-hm.
- I got the car out front. All set? - You bet! Let's blow this joint.
- Out of my way! - Hey, fasten your seat belt.
Those things go eight miles an hour!
Oh, doesn't it do your heart good?
I have a hunch he'll be up and around in no time.
Now look, Sister, I asked you to pray for him, but we don't want any miracles.
One, two. Left, right.
What's that with the "One, two. Left, right"?
Hey, Max! What are they doin' over there? Can you see anything?
One, two. Left, right.
- They're dancin' the frug. - What?
One, two. Left, right.
Left, right.
One, two.
Left, right.
The frug! Some sense of humour.
If you ask me, we're just wastin' our time. This guy's legit.
Maybe so, but let's give it a chance.
We've been watchin' for three days and three nights!
That coloured guy, he has to dress him, shave him...
...put him to bed, carry him to the toilet, brush his teeth...
- If that's an act, then I'm Soupy Sales. - Listen.
I shadowed a guy suin' the Yellow Cab Company. Some kinda collision.
Claimed he was paralysed. Six weeks we watched him, never moved a muscle.
He had this Swedish masseuse come every so often, give him a rubdown.
Then one night, bingo! There he was, givin' her a rubdown.
- No kiddin'. - Caught him red-handed.
Except that idiot cameraman got so carried away, he forgot to roll the film.
- Couldn't you ask for another take? - Well, I...
You mind if I laugh after lunch? Keep an ear on 'em. I'm going to the drugstore.
Bring me a corned beef on rye, easy on the mustard, and a strawberry milkshake.
- Anything else? - A pack of Tiparillos.
Left, right... Left, right.
Left, right... Go, man, go!
A coupla more steps.
Attaboy! You're doing great.
I talked to the guys in the front office.
We want you to be at the stadium November 27th.
- What's November 27th? - Night game against Washington.
- We'd like to make it Harry Hinkle Night. - Oh.
- No. - You just sit on the bench...
...at half-time they introduce you, and you make a speech.
No. Thank you, Boom Boom, but I'd rather not.
Don't you think those flowers would look better over there?
What time is the plane due?
3.40. United Airlines.
"Coming in on a wing and a prayer."
"Love, Sandy."
- I hope she likes my dinner. - What are we havin'?
- Chicken. - Fried chicken?
No. Chicken paprika with red cabbage.
And for dessert, apricot dumplings.
- What kind of food is that? - Hungarian. I learned it from my mother.
She used to work as a cook in a Hungarian restaurant.
Oh.
You want me to fix up the other bed?
I really don't know.
I mean, how long she's gonna stay, or what her plans are, or...
- Go ahead. Make it up. - Why not?
What have we got to lose?
- Ever been married, Boom Boom? - No, but I'm engaged. To a girl in Detroit.
And a girl in Baltimore, and one in Green Bay, and two in San Francisco.
Hold it. When you say "engaged", do you mean you give each of them a ring?
Sure. The minute the team hits town.
Funny thing about marriage. It's like bein' in the army.
Everybody knocks it, but you'd be surprised how many guys re-enlist.
Where'd you learn that? Don't tell me, your father was a Pullman porter.
He was a fighter, light heavyweight. Once went 12 rounds with Billy Conn.
He was goin' places. Then he killed a guy in the ring, a blood clot or something.
He never fought again, just started hitting the bottle.
- That's a shame. - He pulled out OK.
We're in business together.
I bought this bowling alley on the East Side and he runs it for me.
It's got 12 lanes and a cocktail bar, and it's half paid off.
All I need is another three good seasons of pro ball.
Boom Boom, what happened to you yesterday?
- Yesterday? - I watched the game on television.
I guess I wasn't very sharp, so they benched me.
Anybody can have a bad afternoon.
- You aren't drinking, are you? - Me? No, sir.
Maybe a beer now and then, but I can't take the hard stuff.
# You'd be so nice to come home to
You know who that is? Sandy.
# So nice by the fire
# While the breeze on high sang a lullaby
- I didn't know she was a singer. - She always wanted to be.
That was our problem. When we first married she was working at WJW...
...doing singing commercials for a linoleum company.
There was this band...